Wasted all those years

So why is it that somebody turns hot and cold? Is it because they have something on their mind? Fed up and in a love lost relationship or is it because somebody else is on their mind? Or perhaps even all three? The thing is I like to think that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I actually say the things on my mind-maybe I’m a little too honest sometimes but I do point out what is not working.

What I can’t stand is not knowing what the other person is thinking, it’s hard because I then feel like my barriers come up to protect me. I used to be the one holding back my feelings and not necessarily letting go but I got passed that or at least I think I have. Being able to show affection for somebody and saying I love you doesn’t phase me anymore- I’ve got over my insecurities about rejection or have I?

To a certain degree yes I have but if I feel somebody is acting strange then it pushes me away and again starts to bring that barrier straight back up.

I also expect a certain level of care and consideration from a partner and if I feel they don’t bother or make the effort to be there for me when I’m down, or care when I’m sick then again it makes me question them- because that’s what I would do for any friend and especially a partner or somebody I am close to. It seems that not everybody is like that but then is that a feeble excuse? I don’t care but if you are any friend or lover then that’s what I expect of you. Otherwise you are just an acquaintance or a link!

A little while ago in a fired argument with my ex (who wasn’t an ex at the time) I was told by him that he had been back in touch with his ex and out of spite and hurt I told him I slept with someone else. The fact is I never have slept with anyone else apart from him (even) on this break. All I wanted to do was hurt him like he had just hurt me. I was then asked by him for the truth and I said I hadn’t which is when he advised he hadn’t been in touch with his ex.

For one I said what I said out of retaliation but he said his first which must have meant it was true.

Weeks later I backed him into a corner as I found out he was lying- which I knew deep down. The thing is I don’t care whether he was friends with girls or his ex girlfriends but because he lied- it made me feel that there was more to it.

To this day he still thinks I viewed his facebook profile and saw the messages which I knew nothing about until he said. Apparently he would have deleted them if he had anything to hide- shows how his mind thinks.

I hate liars- that’s one of my pet hates- my dad used to lie to us all the time when we were all a family unit so the last thing I want is another liar in my life.

It’s not the first time he has lied to cover something up- I mean it’s nothing sinister but again he knows I hate liars and he has only himself to blame.

Well the weekend away was a surprise trip to Portugal for him- see I do try to be romantic. Everything was great until we had lots of booze and ended up in a row. I suppose sometimes feelings are really intense when you are boozed up but again I said I had slept with someone just to hurt him again. I was nasty but deep down i think i was hurt and wondering if anything was really going on with him and his ex.

Anyway that meant that I went out on my own and eat valentines dinner with the couple we had met earlier on in the day.

Anyway we soon patched things up- which was down to himself making the effort because I was still fuming.

We then spent the rest of the holiday as it should have been and made our last day special. We even sung a song on karaoke – a Simply Red rendition of “I keep holding on”.

Well back in England on a Wednesday and we kiss goodbye on Thursday morning when he has work and then I come down with a bladder infection on the Friday. I let him know and call him several times on Friday just to see what he is up to and his plans for Saturday. From the sound of his voice – the conversation was strained and he hasn’t called me since. What the hell is up with that? Not even a phone call or text to see how I’m doing- nothing.

Now that’s a definite kick in the teeth- talk about hot and cold- and where has the care gone?

The truth is I’ve noticed that I call him most of the time, he isn’t really there when I’m down or need support yet I have supported him through his tough time. I put up with a lot and I feel that he has as well but he doesn’t seem to remember the beginning and his actions but still I stood by him.

I feel that he only bothers in the beginning when he feels he will lose me and romance only comes into it if I tell him or we have an argument. Then he blows hot and cold- sometimes he wants to kiss and cuddle and other times he doesn’t and he is silent- there is hardly any communication and then he wonders why I act the way I do. To me something is going on in his head but no matter how much I ask he never reveals. So what does that tell a girl?

Maybe he is confused or wants out or he has met someone else. I know we are not together but it just seems this is pushing me further away and the days of us actually getting back together are seeming more like a distant dream.

I expect him to be real with me and say what’s going on in his head and not hide away, and I also expect him to care. Is that too much to ask? Maybe this is it- maybe I should have left earlier, maybe I should have kept going and never turned back when he smashed the windows of my car over a year ago? Well there is only one way to find out but I got a sneaky feeling that it will end with me finally getting all my stuff from his flat and there will definitely be no going back. In his words- “the only thing keeping us together is that I have your stuff at mine and you have my keys”. Really? I thought it was because we loved each other- perhaps I’ve found my answer. I will know for sure later on.

Maybe his choice of karaoke song was telling me something to? “i’ve wasted all those years”?

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About egyptna

Traveler, actress and author who believes in positive frequencies and the law of attraction. Continually striving to be a better person - to learn, love and accept more about myself and others. This universe is full of wonderful things - it's down to us to open our eyes and see them and make the most of our time here. #letsmakeitcount
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One Response to Wasted all those years

  1. chaos theory says:

    sounds like it’s time to break clean egyptyna and go your seperate ways sounds like he’s not interested anymore

    Like

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