Wasted all those years

So why is it that somebody turns hot and cold? Is it because they have something on their mind? Fed up and in a love lost relationship or is it because somebody else is on their mind? Or perhaps even all three? The thing is I like to think that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I actually say the things on my mind-maybe I’m a little too honest sometimes but I do point out what is not working.

What I can’t stand is not knowing what the other person is thinking, it’s hard because I then feel like my barriers come up to protect me. I used to be the one holding back my feelings and not necessarily letting go but I got passed that or at least I think I have. Being able to show affection for somebody and saying I love you doesn’t phase me anymore- I’ve got over my insecurities about rejection or have I?

To a certain degree yes I have but if I feel somebody is acting strange then it pushes me away and again starts to bring that barrier straight back up.

I also expect a certain level of care and consideration from a partner and if I feel they don’t bother or make the effort to be there for me when I’m down, or care when I’m sick then again it makes me question them- because that’s what I would do for any friend and especially a partner or somebody I am close to. It seems that not everybody is like that but then is that a feeble excuse? I don’t care but if you are any friend or lover then that’s what I expect of you. Otherwise you are just an acquaintance or a link!

A little while ago in a fired argument with my ex (who wasn’t an ex at the time) I was told by him that he had been back in touch with his ex and out of spite and hurt I told him I slept with someone else. The fact is I never have slept with anyone else apart from him (even) on this break. All I wanted to do was hurt him like he had just hurt me. I was then asked by him for the truth and I said I hadn’t which is when he advised he hadn’t been in touch with his ex.

For one I said what I said out of retaliation but he said his first which must have meant it was true.

Weeks later I backed him into a corner as I found out he was lying- which I knew deep down. The thing is I don’t care whether he was friends with girls or his ex girlfriends but because he lied- it made me feel that there was more to it.

To this day he still thinks I viewed his facebook profile and saw the messages which I knew nothing about until he said. Apparently he would have deleted them if he had anything to hide- shows how his mind thinks.

I hate liars- that’s one of my pet hates- my dad used to lie to us all the time when we were all a family unit so the last thing I want is another liar in my life.

It’s not the first time he has lied to cover something up- I mean it’s nothing sinister but again he knows I hate liars and he has only himself to blame.

Well the weekend away was a surprise trip to Portugal for him- see I do try to be romantic. Everything was great until we had lots of booze and ended up in a row. I suppose sometimes feelings are really intense when you are boozed up but again I said I had slept with someone just to hurt him again. I was nasty but deep down i think i was hurt and wondering if anything was really going on with him and his ex.

Anyway that meant that I went out on my own and eat valentines dinner with the couple we had met earlier on in the day.

Anyway we soon patched things up- which was down to himself making the effort because I was still fuming.

We then spent the rest of the holiday as it should have been and made our last day special. We even sung a song on karaoke – a Simply Red rendition of “I keep holding on”.

Well back in England on a Wednesday and we kiss goodbye on Thursday morning when he has work and then I come down with a bladder infection on the Friday. I let him know and call him several times on Friday just to see what he is up to and his plans for Saturday. From the sound of his voice – the conversation was strained and he hasn’t called me since. What the hell is up with that? Not even a phone call or text to see how I’m doing- nothing.

Now that’s a definite kick in the teeth- talk about hot and cold- and where has the care gone?

The truth is I’ve noticed that I call him most of the time, he isn’t really there when I’m down or need support yet I have supported him through his tough time. I put up with a lot and I feel that he has as well but he doesn’t seem to remember the beginning and his actions but still I stood by him.

I feel that he only bothers in the beginning when he feels he will lose me and romance only comes into it if I tell him or we have an argument. Then he blows hot and cold- sometimes he wants to kiss and cuddle and other times he doesn’t and he is silent- there is hardly any communication and then he wonders why I act the way I do. To me something is going on in his head but no matter how much I ask he never reveals. So what does that tell a girl?

Maybe he is confused or wants out or he has met someone else. I know we are not together but it just seems this is pushing me further away and the days of us actually getting back together are seeming more like a distant dream.

I expect him to be real with me and say what’s going on in his head and not hide away, and I also expect him to care. Is that too much to ask? Maybe this is it- maybe I should have left earlier, maybe I should have kept going and never turned back when he smashed the windows of my car over a year ago? Well there is only one way to find out but I got a sneaky feeling that it will end with me finally getting all my stuff from his flat and there will definitely be no going back. In his words- “the only thing keeping us together is that I have your stuff at mine and you have my keys”. Really? I thought it was because we loved each other- perhaps I’ve found my answer. I will know for sure later on.

Maybe his choice of karaoke song was telling me something to? “i’ve wasted all those years”?


About egyptna

Traveler, actress and author who believes in positive frequencies and the law of attraction. Continually striving to be a better person - to learn, love and accept more about myself and others. This universe is full of wonderful things - it's down to us to open our eyes and see them and make the most of our time here. #letsmakeitcount
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One Response to Wasted all those years

  1. chaos theory says:

    sounds like it’s time to break clean egyptyna and go your seperate ways sounds like he’s not interested anymore


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