As the time goes on, I am really starting to notice that I am not my usual self. I feel confused and somewhat depressed. What I have to be depressed about I don’t know. Ok maybe depressed isn’t the word I’m looking for- perhaps i am down?
I can still have a laugh but it is like the real me feels caged in. I don’t feel I can let go and even if I did I can’t. So what is bugging me? There is not one thing I can pinpoint- is it the split? I don’t think so as we have been seeing each other on our date nights. Perhaps I feel unsettled? I don’t know what is going to happen between us or even know what I want to happen any more. I love seeing him but have we really given each other enough space to think? Do I feel a bit all over the place? Yes. I suppose I really need my own place right now- sooner rather than later. Something to call my own, with my own colours and own choice of furniture and something I can never be kicked out of. That’s the problem when you move in with somebody – you never feel like it’s your own home as you didn’t buy it together. So when it comes to an argument – you will always lose and when crunch comes to crunch- you have to pack your bags again.
“You know what you can do then” became the end phrase of some of our arguments until it wasn’t him saying it anymore- he stopped but then I started “I’m moving out”. The damage had already been done and deep down inside I felt like I had nowhere. It’s not nice to hear and instead of making a future together- things and statements like these were slowly changing our relationship and damaging it without any of us really knowing. I think bits of trust between us had begun to be eaten away as none of us knew when the next time would be before I was ‘moving’ out again. That mixed with the horrible things we said to each other really broke the boundaries down. How do you get from loving each other to being plain right nasty? Where’s the love in that- does that mean it is slowly and painfully dying? Yet still no one wanted to let go- how do you explain that? Someone please tell me!
So a little snippet here and then and hopefully you and I will be able to solve that jigsaw puzzle. I am sorry if my writing becomes a bit erratic but I’m writing as I feel necessary and so I’m sorry if it jumps from pillar to post, but then again it’s a blog not a book- and I’ve already written one of those. It’s just filed away until I feel it right to share with you.
So yes in a nutshell, I’m a bit low and feel very confused. I need to find that old me again- the fun me, the all set on your marks, get ready me. I hope it isn’t too long before I find her as I miss her!