It’s always hard when you break up unless you hate them. Right about now i wish I did hate him but I can’t and won’t ever be able to -why? Because he is an honest and kind and sweet man.
So why split up? Ever heard the phrase “it’s complicated”? Well it is-relationships are complicated. My heads in a muddle and I can’t see no way out, all I see is pain- I’m sad now but I know i will also be sad if we stick together and keep on going in the same manner as we have done. It has been one big drama with us but it has also been blessed with some really lovely and special times, which is why it makes this even harder to do.
This week has started off really shit -arguments with my family, my dad having a stroke because we were arguing, my boyfriend taking my sisters side and not even asking me what happened and then the split up with my partner and the moving out of home. What I can’t get over is the fact my sister had to discuss our argument with MY partner- why would you do that? That’s bang out of order if you ask me. Secondly my partner who is meant to support me doesn’t even ask if for my side of the story and just jumps into telling me I’m out of order.
I know I have a hot head and lately I have not really been myself and have turned into (when u push me or trigger something) an explosive – just waiting to go BANG. However that doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve support from my boyfriend or to at least be asked what had happened. Between both of them they have caused our split.
Right now I feel as if I don’t even know who I am anymore-I have lots of anger just waiting to vent itself in the form of my spiteful tongue. I feel like certain family members should stay away as I need my space and I’m still angry. I feel like I always make the effort and care and take on other people’s problems, trying to help where I can and sometimes no one is really there for me or thinks about how I feel. I can’t quite put my finger on it but somethings not right-I’m not the usual me – I don’t know where she has gone but I need to find her again!
So time out is needed and I need to find out what’s eating me up on occasion- I’ve got issues that need to be worked out and I really have had enough of certain people and their actions to the point it really bothers me when I think about it-hopefully I’ll get over it one day.
So back to the break-up- it hurts and I wish I had a crystal ball which would tell me that we would work out ok in the end-but something inside tells me it probably won’t happen. I love him but I just don’t know anymore and I don’t want to go through this and keep hurting.
I think I need time to tackle my problems before I’m strong enough to tackle a relationship.
And so I really don’t know and it hurts because I haven’t got my close friend anymore……