It’s been a while

boy running

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Why hello darlings!! It’s been a while. Not sure whether that’s down to being tied up with things – life, or because I fell out of love with writing?

Either way, I thought I would jump back on the wagon and spew some random thoughts out.

Here goes!

I published a poem I wrote last year this morning. It was one of those poems that I wrote from the heart, it had meaning and was real. I don’t write much poetry but this was a heart dump that seemed to just flow together. It was inspired by my ex and  Sabrina Mahfouz who is just an unbelievable writer (make sure you check her out). I had read “That Most Misused Heart” at a time in my life when I was heartbroken – and it really resonated with me and in time spurred me to just get my emotions down on paper. Those emotions manifested into “Tales of the Heart”.

Since writing “Tales of the Heart” – I have written another poem spurred by current situations but I will leave that tucked away in the filing cabinet of my computer until the time is right.

I am not sure where I am going with this post but thought as therapy to me – it would be good to get some thoughts and feelings out.

Right about now – I feel let down, let down by a lot of things, by a lot of people and it’s probably one of the most crucial and vulnerable times of my life, where I feel I need someone. Who that someone is – I don’t know, but I just feel I need a hug and a cry and someone to listen.

It’s mad because I have had opportunities to talk to someone and get help, offers of tapping and mindset workshops which I am all for but I am a complex character and cannot force things to come out. I need to talk when I’m ready and not be forced to talk through my thoughts or emotions. Unfortunately, the time where I feel ready to talk takes place over a very small window of time, and most times someone is not there at that right time.

The thing is – i’m surrounded by people I could call on or speak to but I still feel very alone. I tend to just get on with things. I plough myself into things, keep myself busy and keep everything in. I know that is not ideal but it’s in my make up and maybe in time, little by little, I will start to slowly change.

I have a real issue with being let down – especially when I feel vulnerable and what might not seem important to others – is to me. If you plan something with me and then don’t show up, or call or text – especially at a time where I am vulnerable – then that’s like a massive kick in the teeth to me. I find it disrespectful – how hard is it to show someone common courtesy? This happened this weekend, at a time when I needed this person more than ever. They never knew this because I don’t pick up the phone and say – I need help, I need you! No that’s not really my style and so they didn’t know how I was feeling. They never knew that I felt alone and needed a friendly face, that I needed to be around people who get me. They never knew!

So instead, I cry to myself, I question everything and then I realise that I can never really rely on anyone to make me feel better – that’s down to me. Happiness comes from within and so I need to work on me and stop putting my happiness in the hands of others. To be truthful i’ve always felt alone – bit of a lone wolf.

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.”

Orson Welles

Wanting to escape has never been as strong as it is now. I would love to book a one way ticket and go and explore this world – no phone, no distractions, just nature and I. The trouble is I can’t – not yet!

Soon when everything is behind us – I will take off again. Go and explore this big wide world, find my nest and tweet happily ever after.

Until that day, I will just keep plodding on, analysing, hopefully growing and making some vital decisions. Change is needed – I’m just not sure what will be first!

 

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Tales of the Heart

silhouette photo of man leaning on heart shaped tree

Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

If only you let down that barrier and let me in.

Took away all the stubbornness and the doubt from within

If you knew I wouldn’t hurt you and would love you with everything I had,

Would you treat me differently?

Would you let our hearts beat in synchrony?

Would you accept the fate that was written or change the path for fear of being bitten?

For once in my life I gave you the epicentre of my heart,

The one space where love lived but was not easy to start,

I gave it away without hesitation, something different to me,

You touched a deeper soul, something resonated in me,

Like a melody slowly building, the energy constantly moving,

Time and space became spacetime and we joined as one,

Your breath became my breath, I embody your flesh,

I was mesmerised by a feeling, a rush, it was pleasant,

I’m awake, eyes wide open, what’s happening to me?

I can’t breath, I can’t live, I can’t think anymore – we’re intertwined, I’m alive, I’m ready for more,

I’m your prisoner, I’m captured, I’m down on my knees,

Then things changed but love remained and a doubt tickled our minds,

The kind that grew stronger and then made us visualise,

What love was meant to be, maybe we were blinded and could not see?

The feelings manifested, never rested and the blood in our veins gushed along,

We saw red and ripped away the insides one by one,

Then left the beating heart with nothing to fight for – it was done,

Time passed, heartbreak hurt and I realised what I had,

I get in touch and take back what I ever did or ever said,

But you don’t hear me, because the words are all in my head,

I say nothing, I’m crying and inside I feel dead,

I sit and I ponder and don’t understand why,

In a blink of a second, we no longer see eye to eye,

You might as well have put a gun to my head,

I can’t breath, I can’t live, my insides are dead,

The vibrant pumping soul that lit up this being is now dead,

How long before I can get you out of my head?

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Life is a rollercoaster

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Everything can be going great and then bam! Things start to change, the ship starts sinking and you are left paddling without a life jacket. The man you met – who you thought was the man of your dreams ends up breaking your heart, the businesses that you believed in, start sucking the life and soul out of you and your pockets. The dream of making it in the entertainment industry starts to get fainter and fainter as you receive knock back after knock back and all of these combined sets you on a rollercoaster to the pits of depression.

You feel a failure as you haven’t made it like you really believed you would and instead of living it up you are living from credit card to credit card burying your head in the sand and not knowing how to make anything better.

You start avalanching down that slippery slope of depression and laughter is replaced with tears and sometimes you don’t even know why you are crying.

You gave your heart and soul to so many things including a relationship you thought was going somewhere but everything fails miserably and somehow you blame yourself.

What if I did this or what if I did that, acted a certain way or played a different tactic. Somehow you end up second guessing, self doubting and self sabotaging everything. I’m not good enough, this isn’t for me, I’ve tried – I can’t, I am not, I don’t have.

Yes, this narrative has been running through my head at times for several months. Challenges would present themselves and I would deal with them but every little one took a chip out of me each time, and after each one, it became harder to get back up.

I did though! Amongst the tears and the multitude of emotions and thoughts, I pushed on. As hard as it was, I carried on and that was also down to my friends and family who stood by me. It wasn’t easy and at times I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I suppose my biggest lesson was that there will always be hurdles and life does throw the odd curveball. It can test you, make you and break you but it’s down to you how you deal with it.

Sometimes you have to persevere as out of challenges and sadness comes great things, great lessons to be learned and experiences that make you stronger.

I’m now on track again and amazingly things are just falling into place, opportunities are presenting themselves and it’s amazing what the universe is guiding me towards.

I think that when things get you down, it’s important to never let go of the things you truly believe or want. Everything happens for a reason and you need to trust that the universe is doing things to help nudge you in a certain direction or help you learn a valuable lesson.

Never give up as you are a unique being and have so much to offer. Even if you haven’t realised what your gift is – there is no one like you and you are destined to make a footprint on this earth.

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Life is too short 

So it’s been a busy few months with lots of exciting things happening. There have been feelings of elation to feelings of anxiety – anxiety about putting my life experiences out there for all to see, criticise or judge when I published my book. Anxiety concerning getting everything on track with the family business, my life, my goals, and anxiety about where the next bit of money will come from since I invested all my savings into enjoying life and making a different future for myself.

I must be honest – it’s been a hard battle at times. Trying to remain optimistic and positive when there is not enough regular work coming in to pay the bills yet still focusing on my goals and the business and believing that it will all work out in the end!

Sure there might be the odd acting job or a tiny bit of revenue from the book, which I am immensely grateful for but this period of transition from working full time and having money to not working full time with limited money but doing something you enjoy is hard to justify to yourself let alone anyone else! 

I’m persevering though and trying to flush away the doubting devil that makes his way into your mind. You know the one that constantly tells you it’s a bad idea, the one responsible for making you worry, panic and feel really isolated? 

It’s a battle but I have to remind myself that despite it all things have been good, real good. My book made Amazon’s best seller list, our products have been ordered from China and are being manufactured as I write this and I’m getting more acting work come in – yay!

These past couple of months have also included travel. I have visited Ireland, Norway, Hungary and Morocco to see my new-born baby brother!

I never realised how much joy a new baby can bring into the world. It’s amazing how any worries you once had or any grudge can be forgotten in an instance once you see this pure bundle of joy looking up at you. Completley innocent, completely dependant and content with the basic things we take for granted – food, love, and comfort. 

Despite all my worrying, this trip helped remind me that things can really be simple. As adults we are moulded and conditioned to think we have to conform to a certain way, that we are restricted in life. That we should be at certain points in our life by a certain time. 

However, it needn’t be that way. Who cares if you haven’t bought a house yet or are not settled down with kids, or you still don’t know what you want to do in life? It’s fine to take a step back and most importantly be grateful for things we often take for granted – food, shelter and health. 

It’s fine to experiment and explore to find out what you want or like in life. It’s fine to not commit to a job, a house, a relationship if you are not ready. 

Do what you want to do, take time out and don’t be pressurised into doing something because “that’s what people do.”

We have one life, let’s not cloud it with the stresses and strains of what society dictates we should be doing. Dust off that doubting demon and instead live, laugh, love and most importantly enjoy. 

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Check-in 

Sometimes it’s really important to take a moment to check in – to stop, analyse and register what you have been doing over the past 6 months to a year, or longer. Have you been fulfilling those goals and ticking off that list or did other things get in the way? 

If it’s the latter, perhaps you need to prioritise or maybe the goals you set before are not relevant any more? In that case, it’s good to revisit and set yourself new goals or rejig them. 

Are there things you had forgotten you wrote down and have already done? If so, great, be sure to tick it off your list. You might even want to add more on. The great thing is it’s your list and you get to put whatever you want on it – big or small, it really is up to you. 

Where are you keeping your list? On a wall, in your diary, in a blog post? It’s probably worth sticking your list somewhere where it is clearly visible each day so that it taps into your subconscious mind and helps remind you of the things you want to achieve every day you wake. This is what living is about – doing what you’ve always wanted to! Embrace it 😉

If you haven’t written your bucket list yet then maybe you should – it really helps with getting things into perspective and giving you something to focus on. I love it! 

I decided to revisit my own bucket list and make a few updates to the list and I must say I am very happy with my progress.

  • Own a house
  • Own a Bentley
  • Make Talent Reel successful
  • Be a great marketing professional – changing to be a great entrepreneur 
  • Earn enough money to enjoy the things I like
  • Travel the world – in progress 
  • Go skiing ✔️ March 2017
  • Go snowboarding ✔️ March 2017
  • Climb Kilimanjaro
  • Do volunteer work in a third world country
  • Get married
  • Have a baby
  • Learn to play the piano
  • Learn to speak Spanish
  • learn to speak Arabic
  • Take acting classes ✔️ – started January 2017
  • Learn to mix
  • Have tea at the Ritz
  • Drink Crystal
  • Go to the Mobo’s
  • Go to see the Northern Lights
  • Go to see Santa in Lapland
  • Go on a husky sleigh
  • Wear a grass skirt in Hawaii
  • Publish a book or have a well-known blog
  • Have a party in a mansion
  • Have my teeth straightened ✔️ – started with full braces December 2016
  • Do something really spontaneous
  • Have a makeover
  • Go wine tasting ✔️ – have been a few times now 
  • Learn to take a good photo
  • Go to the Opera ✔️ – Sydney Opera House 2016
  • Go to the Ballet
  • Go on a private yacht and sail
  • Learn to play somewhere over the rainbow on a ukulele
  • Go white water rafting ✔️ – New Zealand 2016
  • Spot a dolphin in the sea ✔️ – Several places in Australia 2016 
  • Stroke a meerkat ✔️ – did this years back 
  • Try Beluga caviar
  • Go to Glastonbury

Whilst it’s great to set goals and tick things off – we also need to give credit to our achievements to-date which might not be on our list. This could be from your personal or professional life or both. 

At school, we used to have records of achievements and it shouldn’t stop now. It’s a reminder of how far we have come and a little note to ourselves to look at all we have achieved and really be proud of ourselves! 

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I’m having a moment

Panic has started to set in and although this is probably a very natural part of making the move over to the other side – it’s not a nice feeling.

I sat and looked over my dwindling bank balance (meant to be mortgage fund) and realised that it’s nearly non-existent – that’s when that little voice started to pipe up. 

“You’ve gone and spent all your money Nadia.

“What a silly idea.

“Why didnt you save money just for this instead of spending the last of your savings? 

“You need to get a proper job and fast.” 

That person called doubt crept in and got inside my head. Instead of putting up a fight – I thought – yeah your right. I need a job as back up. The bills are coming in and we have no real sales yet – what am I doing!! So I began doing what I always used to do – search for jobs and apply. 

I got scared and ran back to my safety net. I even had a chat with a recruitment agent telling her I was looking for something part time so that I could focus on other things. 

After my phone call and an empowering chat with my sister, I remembered what Robert Kiyosaki did. On the quest to financial freedom, Robert and his wife Kim were homeless at one point. Their friend’s kept on saying – “why don’t you just get a proper job,” but they didn’t and because of their refusal to give up on their dream – they are now multimillionaires!

The feeling of uncertainty and self-doubt is a horrid one and one of the biggest killers of great things. I know this but it still got the better of me. 

To be honest with you, i’m still feeling vulnerable and need to share that it’s not all plain sailing when setting up something completely new and giving it all you’ve got – money, time and lots of hard work. 

However, sometimes you have to just jump because if you reach for that safety net and fall back – nothing changes.

If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

Henry Ford

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Nĭmen hǎo

Hello my wonderful people. I’m currently in China at the moment mixing a bit of  business (visiting Yiwu) with pleasure (Beijing).

As you may or may not be aware, I have decided to ditch corporate life in a bid to focus on other pursuits and build a sustainable family business on Amazon. 

I wanted a business where earning potential wasn’t capped, it could be operated from anywhere and it gave me the flexibility to focus on other areas in my life like acting and working on my network for creative women – Talent Reel.

Hence, the birth of Aidan Liamsi – a small family business dedicated to women and fitness, health and beauty as well as baby and pet ranges. Watch this space 😉

Now we all know that you can’t have a business without any products to sell, therefore, it was time to start getting serious.

I headed out to Yiwu – home of the largest commodity market in the world in the search for our gold. This bustling trade market is home to approximately 76,000 suppliers spread across five districts. It really is phenomenal. Although, there were always lots of people doing the same thing as me, the markets were never ever packed. 


I met with three agents to test the water and each day we took to the market and the process of looking, testing and asking questions through the translator became the norm. 

By the end of the three days, I knew who I wanted to work with, but whether the relationship develops into a fruitful one is yet to be decided. 

The reason being is that Yiwu might not be the right vehicle for me. Don’t get me wrong – it’s great and I found all the products I wanted, however, some of them just weren’t at the right price! Those that could work had other caveats attached. 

For example, I want to private label the products but to do this – it typically requires an order of 1,000/2000 pieces which just isn’t going to happen for the first order. 

The odd supplier who agreed to a smaller production of 300 pieces would have trouble providing me with a branded box even if I provided the design work. They needed a high order quantity to enable a new box to be printed. It was all a bit crazy and there is definitely a missing gap in the market there.

The agents I decided to go with seemed to be quite proactive and advised they could go to another supplier for boxes so it still could work – but, we will see. 

The alternative is going back to the drawing board of Ali Baba as the prices seem a lot lower. 

My business trip was definitely a great learning experience and nice to make some business contacts. 

Some of the things I learnt along the way are:

  • Yiwu is great if you want to buy without private labelling (think of Aladdin’s cave) 
  • Yiwu has lots of variety so you really can mix and match 
  • They don’t like giving samples 😦 
  • If you want to private label, you will need to potentially buy thousands per product 
  • The Chinese don’t like to haggle so you have to ask the translator/agent to ask for lower prices but they don’t like doing this
  • You can’t access Google, YouTube, Facebook (maybe more but that’s all I use) in China so get a VPN before you go
  • Make sure you ask your agents for references – the good ones should have no problem putting you in touch with one or two of their clients 
  • Meet with a few different agents so that not all of your eggs are in one basket 

After the business trip was over, it was time to fly to Beijing for some pleasure and to see part of the Great Wall of China.

I booked a tour to hike 6km from Jinshanling to Simatai West up hundreds of steep stairs and steep inclines. It was tough in places but extremely worth it. The views were just outstanding.

Overall, I’ve had a lovely time in China, I have seen some amazing places, eaten beautiful food (hot pots, dumplings and the legendary Beijing duck – yummy!) and learnt a bit more about the culture. 

However, I am ready to come home and start working on the next bits for Aidan Liamsi. Being away in Yiwu really helped me cement the product ideas and uncover a few new bits. It’s so exciting – I can’t wait to tell my family so we can get to work. 

A word of warning – if you are thinking about visiting Beijing, make sure you brush up on your Chinese or take some flash cards as hardly anyone speaks English. Which makes it a lot harder to communicate and get around but not impossible! Just call it an adventure and an excuse to learn a new language 😉 

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