Why hello darlings!! It’s been a while. Not sure whether that’s down to being tied up with things – life, or because I fell out of love with writing?
Either way, I thought I would jump back on the wagon and spew some random thoughts out.
I published a poem I wrote last year this morning. It was one of those poems that I wrote from the heart, it had meaning and was real. I don’t write much poetry but this was a heart dump that seemed to just flow together. It was inspired by my ex and Sabrina Mahfouz who is just an unbelievable writer (make sure you check her out). I had read “That Most Misused Heart” at a time in my life when I was heartbroken – and it really resonated with me and in time spurred me to just get my emotions down on paper. Those emotions manifested into “Tales of the Heart”.
Since writing “Tales of the Heart” – I have written another poem spurred by current situations but I will leave that tucked away in the filing cabinet of my computer until the time is right.
I am not sure where I am going with this post but thought as therapy to me – it would be good to get some thoughts and feelings out.
Right about now – I feel let down, let down by a lot of things, by a lot of people and it’s probably one of the most crucial and vulnerable times of my life, where I feel I need someone. Who that someone is – I don’t know, but I just feel I need a hug and a cry and someone to listen.
It’s mad because I have had opportunities to talk to someone and get help, offers of tapping and mindset workshops which I am all for but I am a complex character and cannot force things to come out. I need to talk when I’m ready and not be forced to talk through my thoughts or emotions. Unfortunately, the time where I feel ready to talk takes place over a very small window of time, and most times someone is not there at that right time.
The thing is – i’m surrounded by people I could call on or speak to but I still feel very alone. I tend to just get on with things. I plough myself into things, keep myself busy and keep everything in. I know that is not ideal but it’s in my make up and maybe in time, little by little, I will start to slowly change.
I have a real issue with being let down – especially when I feel vulnerable and what might not seem important to others – is to me. If you plan something with me and then don’t show up, or call or text – especially at a time where I am vulnerable – then that’s like a massive kick in the teeth to me. I find it disrespectful – how hard is it to show someone common courtesy? This happened this weekend, at a time when I needed this person more than ever. They never knew this because I don’t pick up the phone and say – I need help, I need you! No that’s not really my style and so they didn’t know how I was feeling. They never knew that I felt alone and needed a friendly face, that I needed to be around people who get me. They never knew!
So instead, I cry to myself, I question everything and then I realise that I can never really rely on anyone to make me feel better – that’s down to me. Happiness comes from within and so I need to work on me and stop putting my happiness in the hands of others. To be truthful i’ve always felt alone – bit of a lone wolf.
“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.”
Wanting to escape has never been as strong as it is now. I would love to book a one way ticket and go and explore this world – no phone, no distractions, just nature and I. The trouble is I can’t – not yet!
Soon when everything is behind us – I will take off again. Go and explore this big wide world, find my nest and tweet happily ever after.
Until that day, I will just keep plodding on, analysing, hopefully growing and making some vital decisions. Change is needed – I’m just not sure what will be first!